Lawson Early Childhood School

BEFORE

Be consistent. Boundaries should be set for safety and health, and they need to be consistent all the time. For instance, if we have a no electronics an hour before bedtime rule (health), that’s the rule every day. It will be harder at first, but when children know why the expectation is there and that you will hold them to it every single time, they will eventually stop testing the boundary. They test if they are uncertain that the boundary will always be in the same place.

Model what you want to see. We say things like, “Be kind” or “Use safe hands.” Model, practice, pretend what “safe hands” looks like. Invent scenarios and talk it out.

Model strategies for what to do when those big emotions take over. Teach and practice what they should do when that occurs. For instance, “When you feel yourself getting mad, you feel your heart beating faster, your fists ball up, and your face looks like this, STOP, take a deep breath, and tell a grownup how you’re feeling. Hug yourself REALLY tightly.” Then practice! Over and over and over.

DURING

Your child WILL have a tantrum. Know that.

Be the calm. Take deep breaths yourself, count, make sure they’re safe. If there is another adult and you need a break, tap out. Breathe deep, slow breaths so they can hear them. Hug them if they are willing. Remember, they are trying to communicate how they are feeling, and that may not always be pretty.

Limit your words and lower your voice. Our instinct is to talk them down, but when they aren’t regulated, they simply cannot process a lot of words. We also think we need to talk louder, but they will simply get louder. Instead, use two or three words in a low voice. Make sure they are safe, and repeat every few minutes until they can hear. For instance, if they are having a tantrum in the middle of the aisle at Wal-Mart, check yourself first–are you calm? Don’t worry about what others are thinking. Your child needs your calm. If they are safe, sit or kneel beside them and in a low voice, say, “I can help. I can see from your face and your body that you are angry. Are you angry you didn’t get to choose the toy? That is hard. I can help.” Hug if they will let you. If they continue to scream, stick with them. “I can help. Say, ‘Help please.’” You can also try a “First, Then” approach. “First, we take a deep breath. Then, you can tell me all about the toy you liked.” Repeat as needed, “First, deep breath; then, tell me about your favorite toy.” (Notice I didn’t say, “We’ll buy the toy.”)

This is a hard one. Do not buy or give something to make them be quiet or calm. This is a bribe and only reinforces that if they scream or cry, they get what they want. You are then re-visiting this same issue every day. It seems like an easy thing to hand over your phone and let them watch YouTube rather than scream while you try to buy groceries. In the long term, this doesn’t help them deal with or identify their emotions; it only teaches them that a tantrum equals what they want.

Say yes when you can, and no when you need to. Children don’t have a lot of control or power over their lives. Give them as much choice as possible, but make them choices you are good with. For instance, in the car, “Would you like your book or your fidget?” Both are great choices and they have some control.

If you’d like to know more about handling those challenging moments, check out the ReadyRosie Playlist here.

You can also review this great handout with lots of tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics.